Masses,
First I want to thank you all for the support of The Decade of the Mustache. I figured that it would catch on within the coming years however I had no idea that we would see so much unbridled support at many high levels of American society. The following argument may be controversial to some, but I feel in these desperate economic times this country could use some luck and guidance. Just got back from Washington to discuss my idea with top officials who will remain nameless.
My policy as part of The Decade of the Mustache is that the growing of a mustache by high-powered American officials and brave members of our armed forces will serve us three fold. First of all can you imagine the fear in our enemies eyes when they see our brave soldiers donning a stache. The supporting argument I have for this is did you ever see GI Joe lose to Cobra Commander??? Never! It was most likely the confidence boost that Joe felt from proudly wearing a soup strainer. Also, who can argue with Teddy Roosevelt’s victory at San Juan Hill? Therefore, I feel it should be mandatory for all servicemen to grow a stache. If they are too young or cannot grow one, I’m more than willing to provide any service member a free mustache as a thank you. It will give them the confidence and intimidation factor needed against our egregious foes. No need to thank me. Just doing my part.
Second, the fortitude our high-ranking officials will be bolstered ten fold by proudly wearing facial hair. Imagine our leaders sitting across the negotiating table donning intimidating moustachios. (I’m told that Kennedy was wearing a fake mustache when dealing with Khrushchev during the Cuban Missle Crisis.) I can tell you this top-secret nugget, top leaders have already started growing different types of facial hair. The ones who are facially hair challenged, I provided a fake mustache set for them on my last trip out there. (No problem, BO. 🙂 Glad I can help.)
My third and final poignant argument is that this country could use a little luck/confidence. Growing of mustaches by American men will give this country the boost it needs for an economic recovery. I guarantee if you walk into an interview with a mustache you will land that job. You’ll have the confidence and fortitude you need to nail it. Also, there is a growing feeling that mustaches provide luck. Look no further than the Minnesota Twins. It is all the buzz around the Twin Cities that their recent slump has been stopped dead in its tracks simply because of pitcher Carl Pavano’s soup strainer. Here’s an article I find whilst doing research on this phenomenon explaining this. The Star Tribune reports that other Twins are starting the craze simply for luck. (Personally I think it gives them the confidence they need.) My point is, if this country needs luck to get back on track, why not look good while doing it and grow a cookie duster.
Masses, watch in the coming months as my policy comes to fruition in Washington. Please, no need to send thank you’s. Thank me by doing your part to help this country we call America and grow a mustache and enjoy the prosperity in The Decade of the Mustache.
You’re Welcome,
The Handsome Gent
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